Thursday, July 29, 2004

Newport Ninjas

Two weeks ago, I found myself in Newport RI visiting for the Tall Ships festival and also the Black Ships Festival. One of my college pals came along with me to explore the town.

The Black Ships Festival caught our eye because of this listing we found on the internet:

Ninja Demonstration 2:30PM
R.I. Ninjutsu Center will demonstrate this secretive form of martial arts that has lasted more than 900 years.

Ninjas! Real, living, breathing ninjas! In NEW ENGLAND, no less! We arrived in Newport at 2pm with plenty of time to see the ninjas use their ninja magic and silent stalking skills.

Upon arrival at the festival we noticed that the only Japanese people at the park were serving sushi. This foreshadowed the remainder of the day. There were no ninjas to be found. Around 3pm, an akido group came out. We thought that could be cool until six white guys with swords arrived. One looked like Ron Jeremy, another looked like a real-life version of the Simpsons' Comic Book Guy. They twirled their swords around a little and demonstrated (for about 15 mins) the samurai suicide ritual. We left, unimpressed, and ninja-less.

Clubbing in NYC

Against my better judgment, I'm going to try and tell this story on my blog. My friend, Data, the other major participant in the events suggested that it would make for good blog material, especially considering that it was a "genuine NYC clubbing experience."

I'll use initials and nicknames so that people can be mildly incriminated. I just found out that Data has his own blog where he posts stories that other people write. You don't have permission to use this one! Write it yourself! You were there!

So here goes. I want to complete this before Friday so that I don't have to tell the story in haiku.

It was a cool July Saturday evening. I had just come from a dinner in Brooklyn where I lost five [hundred] dollars playing poker, and I really hate to lose. Not only that, I lost my money by about the third hand. We were playing in a huge group of 12 people, I hadn't played in a while, and my results were poor. Data informed me that another friend of ours, TK, had a group of people out in downtown Manhattan and we should join them.

After trying to find the right bar, we found the location in SoHo, a club whose exterior showed a different name than the club name (that means it's really cool). There was a hostess outside, with two huge guys and one smaller guy wearing a beret and blazer. We approached the door and were informed that the club was "only accepting reservations" at the moment. In case you're new to the NYC club scene, "reservations" is a code word for saying that they are discriminating against men. Except that they can't say discrminiate, so instead it's "reservations."

So we didn't have a reservation. Neither did our friend, TK. We gave his name but we just received a blank look in return. We then found out TK's group hadn't arrived yet. Data suggested we recruit a group of women to help us enter the club, then meet the others inside once they arrived. After a rock/paper/scissors game, it was determined that he would have to recruit. It was the only thing I would win all night.

(As a side note, Data kept protesting, "I can't talk to these women, I have a girlfriend." To which I responded, "You at least have success with women. My lack of success in the girlfriend department is a clear indicator as to why you should talk to these women.")

Two women rode up in a cab. It was probably about 1am or so at this point. Data approached them and told a brief version of our story: we had to meet our friends inside and if they helped us in, we could buy them drinks. The women agreed, but first we had to wait for their friends. Seemed reasonable enough.

At about the same time, two events happened:

1) TK's crew arrived. This was a coed group of about 7 men and 5 women. Data knew more of them than I did, but still, I knew 3-4 people in the group.

2) Four more women arrived to join the two who Data had spoken with and made the agreement.

So in sum, there were 9 men (Data, me, and 7 from the TK group) and 11 women (5 from the TK group and 6 that Data recruited). Not a bad ratio, assuming we are gunning for a 1:1 type situation.

The hostess let in the 11 women and counted them. Then the guys started filtering in. After 6 guys got in, she said, "That's good enough, I can't let anyone else in." Three guys were on the wrong side of the line, including me, Data and one other guy, "Bachelor #3."

Someone in our party (looked like Lex Luthor) asked me, "Are you part of our group?" to which I responded, "Of course." Then after trying to negotiate with the hostess a little, he leaned in to tell her something. I presumed, he was suggesting that she let us in for a financial transaction. But she only let in bachelor #3. Then she told me and Data that we still had to wait. Of course, the question was, "Wait for what?"

Time passed. Many women entered the joint, some left, and some mixed groups entered. Data and I tried to get in a few more times, attaching ourselves to other groups of women in exchange for offers of drinks. After a while, I had to wonder why this particular place was so good. I've never tried that hard to enter any place before, so this was just frustrating.

Probably around an hour later, three of the members of the group stopped outside to see if they could try again to convince the hostess to let us in. One member stepped outside and chatted with us for a bit. But it was no use.

After a few of our failed attempts, Data said to me, "Are you going to blog this?" I responded, "No."

Data then asked, "If our friend, VS was here, he'd be able to get in." This was true. VS would have gotten in, I think.

Now, ninety minutes after we had arrived and tried to get in, I asked the hostess why she couldn't just let me and Data in. The crux of my point was that I know their "policy" and that was fine with me, but I just wanted to socialize with the rest of my group (now inside). She said, "That [Lex Luthor-looking] guy told me that you two weren't part of the party."

I still have scratches on my chin from when my jaw hit the pavement. Running through my head was the thought, That SOB stabbed us in the back! I pulled the knife out of my back as the Wolverine berzerker rage built up in my head. Not part of the group?! Data had recruited those women (whom without, Luthor would have never entered in the first place!) and now we were standing around desperately trying to get into this scummy bar/club.

As the steam emerged from my ears, I looked at Data and asked him what he wanted to do. Frankly, at this point in time, the story is very hazy in my mind. According to Data's account of the events, my eyes turned bloodshot. I don't believe him. I uttered a number of expletives over the course of the conversation and several revenge scenarios (all unrealistic) cruised through my mind. I thought I could take out the skinny guy with the beret (what was his job?) but the two big guys could crush me with a pinky. I wanted to throw something through the window, but figured I wouldn't be able to run away. Several other possibilities rushed through my mind, but most of them are not fit for the blog.

So does this post have a happy ending? (It was certainly a long and frustrating night.) Did we ever get into the club? Did Data or I ever get the chance to ask Luthor why he stabbed us in the back? Did any of our friends come out to find us?

No, no, no and no.

Data and I went home. It was about 2:45am and pretty much at this point, women weren't heading out to any more clubs, it was mostly drunk guys, so we didn't have a prayer of getting in. We never saw Luthor the rest of the evening and our friends had just assumed we left after not getting in the first time. That's pretty much the end of the story and that's the end of the longest post to date on the Kitchen Fresh Blog.

I am not an angry person, and in the end, only two things really bug me. The first is just missing out on the opportunity to hang out with some friends, and the second is being stabbed in the back by that bald and skinny jack@$$. Hopefully the rules of karma dictate that he will soon learn the harsh pain of betrayal.

END

More aquarium action


Random aquarium shot. Some of these photos actually seem like I'm underwater, if not for the reflections off the glass... Look. It was the last frickin' trip I took with the camera and I like the photos. Sue me.

Monday, July 26, 2004

Bill Clinton... So Smooth...

Damn.

I like to think that I can hear both sides of an issue, that I don't accept everything I hear. But earlier tonight Bill Clinton was talking and he could have said pretty much anything ("You don't need oxygen to breathe", "I invented the light bulb") and I would have believed him. Why? Why? He is just a great showman, I guess. No wonder I was able to believe him when he said (paraphrased), "I had a sexual encounter in the Oval Office with an intern. How about those Bosnians?"

Also, I found it somewhat amusing that a Democrat was against a proposed reduction in police officers. Aren't the Republicans the anti-crime party (whereas the Democrats are the pro-crime party)?

"Strength and wisdom are not conflicting values..." Good line, good job to whoever wrote that one.

Shove It

I'll probably vote for Kerry in the election in November.

In my opinion, the Republicans have a better PR machine than the Democrats (ironic because the media is so "liberal"). So we'll see how the convention (starting today) turns out. In the meantime it appears that Teresa Heinz Kerry told a reporter to "shove it", and of course, this has generated a lot of buzz.

***begin rant***
I don't really see what the big deal is here. After all, didn't Dick Cheney tell a Senator to have sex with himself?
***begin sarcasm***
Frankly, I think that if Mrs. Kerry wants to tell someone to "shove it", it makes her seem more human. When the Vice President told his colleague off, just because it wasn't an example of professionalism, it didn't matter. He seemed more down to earth and that's what counts. When I get frustrated and want to tell someone off, I just do it. He's just like me. Mrs. Kerry has sure earned points in my book. If only Laura Bush would do that -- then she wouldn't seem like such a right-wing-family-values robot. (I swear, I think she's a robot!)
***end sarcasm***
***end rant***

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Not to be a rude, but....

Last early AM anecdote:

The other day I was in a buffet line and someone cut in front and said, "Not to be rude, but I'm just going to take some whipped cream."

That didn't make it any less rude.

Pretty funny phrase, huh? In other words,

"Not to be X (but I will be regardless of what you think, whether you care or not, and it's very obvious that I'm aware of my deviant behavior)."

Common uses: Not to be a pain, not to be a jerk, not to be rude...

Second Time Around

I can't sleep. Here is another intersting observation:


I used to believe that two rules were true when watching TV and movies.

1) While turning on the TV and flipping to a show that you hardly watch, the first and second times you ever see the show, you see the same episode.

-- I don't know why this is true but it happens a lot! I think I always see the same six episodes of "Friends," for example.

2) The second time you see a bad movie, it is actually much better.

-- I thought this was because of the "law of lowered expectations" but my brother brought up a great exception to this rule: Batman & Robin

Baseball Fights

Baseball fights are the best of all the pro sports fights.

First off, in the NFL there are hardly ever fights. The players collide with each other on every play and are wearing a ton of pads. NFL fights are lame because the players are essentially fighting on every play, shoving each other back and forth. Then if a TRUE fight ensues, they're swinging but with all the padding on.

The NHL has official fights. The fights are part of the game. Official = lame.

In the NBA, which has grown more and more physical, there are often punches thrown and benches cleared, but the problem is there's only 12 guys per team. Since the bench can't leave under the threat of suspension, that means most NBA fights are five on five. Sure, we get the occasional Jeff Van Gundy hanging on Alonzo Mourning's leg type stuff, or PJ Brown throwing Charlie Ward to the ground but these fights aren't as good as baseball fights because...

In Major League Baseball, some 50+ players and coaches get involved in the skirmishes. Usually these are started by a beanball (just like yesterday's fight between the Red Sox and Yankees). As the batter or pitcher makes some heated comments or tries to stare down the other, the players from both dugouts inch out towards the action, like two rival gangs. The benches clear, and all hell breaks loose. A big pile in the middle of the field, made bigger by the two bullpens clearing out and reenfcrcements for each team charge into the melee, like the USA on D-Day into France. Then, the players actually fight. Punches with intent are thrown. Grappling ensues. The umpires, along with a few coaches try to separate things, but they are usually overmatched by the large pile of millionaires.

In addition, you can usually do all the great lip reading before the fight begins - "F--- You!" a player shouts, throwing aside his bat and helmet, just wanting fisticuffs. Baseball fights... nothing else like them.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

Continuing...

Continuing with the sports theme of the last few days... (have I read too much of the Sports Guy recently?)

ESPN.com reports that 'Toine wants to come to the Knicks!

Well, the Kitchen Fresh Blog reports that Knick fans don't want him! If he couldn't handle the pressure in Boston, he's going to hate it in New York.

To the Red Sox players

(In particular, Johnny Damon, Pedro Martinez, Kevin Millar and Manny Ramirez)


Look. Your desire to showcase individuality in hairstyles is kind of cool (in a "stick it to the man" sort of way) but we are in the year 2004. I'm no fashion guru, but let me introduce you to a device that man has developed with the amazing power to trim hair (see photo). In these trying times, some people, if you can believe it, make a living just cutting hair, and individuals are willing to pay upwards of $100 to have their hair(s) cut by these "barbers" or "hair stylists."

At the very least, invest $30-40 dollars in one of these things (we like to call them "clippers") and get your hair cut say, every six weeks. You might not win the wild card, or even the AL East this year, but at least when your contract ends, you may get the chance to sign with the Yankees. (Steinbrenner doesn't like the long, flowing locks.)


Links

I'm trying very hard to add hyperlinks to everything but it's just not going to happen. Waaaay too much effort. If I remember to link interesting stuff, I will, otherwise the tens of you reading this will just have to suffer.

Why I love the FAN

The sports leader!

Reason #4032 - A caller just suggested that the Mets would be better off if they traded for Miguel Cairo and Tony Clark. They would only have to give up Mike Piazza.

Friday, July 23, 2004

5.1 IP, 10 H, 7 ER, 3K, 2 BB

Before the game, I
Did not think I'd see the Yanks
Beat up on Schilling

Schilling

Tonight the Yanks play
In Boston versus the Sox
Curt Schilling will pitch

I do not like him
Since he won MVP in
The World Series

It is hard to watch
When he shuts down the Yankees
Hope they win tonight

Sliding door - my nemesis!

My room has a door
You have to slide it open
It slipped off the rails

It is now open
And I can not fit it back
On track to close it

In honor of the Democratic Convention

Maybe if they count
All the November votes cast
Bush won't be in charge.

Thank you Boston, Mass
For hosting the convention
Glad that it's not here.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

It's time for...


another random jellyfish photo!!!

Yes, three of the last ten posts have been jellyfish photos.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Vegetables

While I'm on the subject of PETA, am I the only one who thinks one day scientists are going to make a terrifying Twilight Zone discovery and find out that plants are consious and have feelings? After all, they are alive and they have DNA. Maybe they just communicate in ways we can't understand. After all, birds and whales can communicate.

Well, if that's the case, I wanted to just apologize to the romaine lettuce I ate the other day. We didn't know. We just didn't konw...

KFC

When I see the headline, KFC supplier accused of animal cruelty, I think to myself, "Oh, is that cruelty in addition to slaughtering the animals?"

I guess the point has been lost on me.

Monday, July 19, 2004

CenterStage

I just saw a promo for the YES Network's show CenterStage where host Michael Kay interviews himself.

It was both impressive and scary at the same time. Cool to see special effects used to make someone interview himself. Scary since one Michael Kay is scary enough. Two? *shudder*

Sunday, July 18, 2004

A Note to Ben Affleck

Mr. Affleck,

Before I begin, please accept my condolances regarding the abrupt conclusion to your relationship with Ms. Jennifer Lopez (J-Lo).

I am writing because I just recently viewed The Sum of All Fears and was very disappointed. The first film I ever saw of yours was Good Will Hunting and I enjoyed your portrayal of Chuckie Sullivan. Since then, you've made a number of movies, and I must admit to having seen about seven or eight of them. After having seen these films, I must implore you, throw in the towel.

Look, you don't have to throw in the towel for good. But you may want to consider taking a nice, long break. At the very least, don't ever take over a project that Harrison Ford started. When Hollywood comes calling with The Fugitive 2 or Indiana Jones 4, don't answer the phone.

In your defense, the Sum of All Fears as a bad movie isn't all your fault. Morgan Freeman also turns in a surprisingly weak performance, and the script is stale. On the other hand, your recent cinematic ventures (with the exception of Daredevil) haven't been received too well. These include: Jersey Girl, Paycheck, Changing Lanes and of course, Gigli. No longer is "Matt Damon's pal" being attached to your name, it is now instead, "J-Lo's ex" and "crummy films."

Previous films of yours have remained enjoyable. Boiler Room is supposed to be quite good, and Kevin Smith noted that "You were the bomb in Phantoms!" Perhaps I'll check those out some day. But for now, I think it is in your best interest to stop making films.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Kobe Bryant

I've never been a big Kobe Bryant fan.

He's the talk of the town on Sportscenter these days, and I just saw an interview between Jim Gray and Kobe.

A few questions I've had:

1) In the interview, Kobe said about Shaq's departure, "This is a business." No offense to Kobe, I wonder when that phrase entered sports interview cliches. "One game at a time. We'll give it our best. This team knows how to win. This is a business."

2) When did Jim Gray become to Kobe Bryant & the Lakers what Ahmad Rashad was to Jordan's Bulls? Pretty impressive for a guy who was seemingly blackballed after interrogating Pete Rose in 1999 at the World Series.

3) Watching the interview, it just seemed so forced. For whatever reason, I just didn't feel like Kobe was telling the truth.

I guess I won't be called for jury duty in Colorado.

More Random Jellyfish


Monterey Bay Aquarium

Friday, July 16, 2004

Friday in Boston

Saw a homeless guy
He was bragging that the SOX
Would get Big Unit

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Thoughts

Is it weird that when I'm eating alone I think, "What's the longest one-syllable word in English?"

My answer was - squeeze. Unless "schmucks" is a real word.
Answer from the internet: Screeched. 9 letters. Is that one syllable or two? Screech-ed?

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

It's about time...

I'm now a menace with a digital camera...



Random Jellyfish Photo. From the Monterey Bay Aquarium.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Beef

Why I still pretty much don't eat beef.

"U.S. Department of Agriculture investigators said the USDA was not testing adult cattle that died on the farm and had failed to test hundreds of cattle condemned due to possible central nervous system disorder -- a symptom of mad cow disease and many other diseases."

Full story from cnn.com

Can we get some testing please? I JUST WANT TO EAT A BURGER WITHOUT GOING NUTS.

Mood?

Am I in a bad mood? It suddenly strikes me that my most recent four or five posts are all somewhat negative in tone.

Must... contain... rage... and... think... of... puppies...

Political Blogs

Since it's an election year, I've been tempted to say quite a bit about politics on this blog. But instead, I will focus on the two major Presidential candidates and their respective blogs. It will be a sort of "blog review."

First, I'll start with the Kerry blog. Hey look! They invite comments. It would be great if the Bush people hired writers to put obnoxious comments on the Kerry blog.

The Bush people were smarter with their blog. No comments allowed. So no wiseguys like me can post snide remarks. Probably a good strategy if they don't want to crash their web site.

Neither of these "blogs" reads like the blogs I've seen elsewhere. I thought blogs were supposed to contain personal anecdotes about dopey and inconsequential things that happen in our lives. For example, "Last night my roommate was just sitting with the lights out at 3am in the living room. It reminded me of a serial killer."

These blogs read like a list of press releases, not really a "log." Couldn't they give it another name, like LOPeRs? List of PrEss ReleaseS? I'd rather see a bunch of goofy stories like, "Today Dick Cheney bumped his head and it was a riot" or "Last night, we crank called Howard Dean." Where are those "blogs?"

I was surprised to find out those blogs are not on Ralph Nader's website.

On a side note, a typo revealed to me that www.whitehouse.org is actually a humor site.

Monday, July 12, 2004

All-Star Game

Baseball's All-Star game is tomorrow night, and they have to make one rule change -- both teams should implement the DH no matter what home field!

Nobody wants to see Mark Mulder or Roger Clemens bat tomorrow, and as the night progresses the pitchers will never come to bat because of all the changes. On top of all this, then an additional player can be inserted as DH and get a little bit of chance to hit. After all, those interested in the game to begin with (which is a small portion) just want to see the hitters hit and the pitchers pitch.

EZ Pass

When valet parking our car, my friend wanted to take out the EZ Pass device for fear that it would be stolen. But let's think about this -- EZ Pass is a horrible item to steal. What does it do? Save you a few bucks on tolls? First you have to be driving! Then secondly, since you've used EZ Pass, everyone knows where you are!!

Restuarant Ideas

Two restaurants I'd open for the hell of it:

Holy Crepe! A crepe place where menu items would include a bunch of puns - like the "Holy Crepe" which would actually have a hole in it. Or "Fudge" and "Sugar" as add-ons. There are more puns that can come from this...

A Peking Duck Fast Food chain. This would be the Asian equivalent of Taco Bell. Now all I need is a way to make Peking Duck cheaply and quickly. Perhaps I could just use some substitute mystery meat. Other menu items could include stuff like the popular pork bun or some sort of deep fried egg roll.

Cable TV Ranking Shows

There is nothing I dislike more than those cable tv ranking shows. What a cheap way to string along old footage, supposed experts and celebrities who normally would never agree to appear on the channel. Networks that do this include (but are not limited to) E!, VH1, MTV, Comedy Central and ESPN! ESPN has a ranking show!!

In particular, the "experts" that they have giving commentary on the various topics (which range from Top 10 Moments of the 1980's to Top 300 Big Toes of 35 year-old Golfers) are hardly experts! Usually they're washed up or B-list celebrities who just happened to be filming nearby!

Strange. This rant is much better in my mind and seems more like a bunch of complaining when I re-read it.

I declare I don't care no more...

Haven't posted for a few days... Could it be... burnout?

Friday, July 09, 2004

Ode to Friday

Friday in New York
Weather here is terrific
No more posts today

Thursday, July 08, 2004

50

This is the 50th post to this blog.

And for the first time in the span of this blog, I cannot find a wisecrack or social observation that deserves this honor.

Instead, consider: At the grocery store in the "6 items or less" express lane, is a dozen bagels one item or twelve?

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

New TV Show Idea

We need to have a television show that is a scripted program, but is a reality show. How would this work? Think pro wrestling + reality TV. The actors would all be versions of reality TV archetypes and they would be put on a show with some absurd premise. Then the writers could script (a la wrestling) predetermined outcomes, fights and conflicts. Alligiances could change at any moment. This so-called reality show would be great. People watch wrestling and know it's fake. They'll watch this too. We could call it... "Faux reality tv." or maybe "Unreality TV."

This wouldn't be like that show "Joe Schmo" either. That show is much more like an elaborate "Candid Camera." This "reality show" would have 100% actors.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Salad

What makes a salad a salad?

Is it lettuce? Then explain chicken salad, egg salad and tuna salad.

Is it mayonaise or lettuce? Then explain fruit salad.

Is it a mixture of chopped items? What about pasta salad?

So as it seems to me, a "salad" can be any mixture of random bite sized food items.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Wedding Blog

My friend is getting married and he asked, "Are you going to put this on your blog?"

I said, "Probably not."

So instead, I leave you with this thought: Do you think a seafood restaurant located near an aquarium would be a successful business?

Thursday, July 01, 2004

West Coast Blog

Heading to SF until July 7th. Will try to post a few times from out there. Fortunately half my readership will be in SF with me!