A Note to Ben Affleck

Mr. Affleck,

Before I begin, please accept my condolances regarding the abrupt conclusion to your relationship with Ms. Jennifer Lopez (J-Lo).

I am writing because I just recently viewed The Sum of All Fears and was very disappointed. The first film I ever saw of yours was Good Will Hunting and I enjoyed your portrayal of Chuckie Sullivan. Since then, you've made a number of movies, and I must admit to having seen about seven or eight of them. After having seen these films, I must implore you, throw in the towel.

Look, you don't have to throw in the towel for good. But you may want to consider taking a nice, long break. At the very least, don't ever take over a project that Harrison Ford started. When Hollywood comes calling with The Fugitive 2 or Indiana Jones 4, don't answer the phone.

In your defense, the Sum of All Fears as a bad movie isn't all your fault. Morgan Freeman also turns in a surprisingly weak performance, and the script is stale. On the other hand, your recent cinematic ventures (with the exception of Daredevil) haven't been received too well. These include: Jersey Girl, Paycheck, Changing Lanes and of course, Gigli. No longer is "Matt Damon's pal" being attached to your name, it is now instead, "J-Lo's ex" and "crummy films."

Previous films of yours have remained enjoyable. Boiler Room is supposed to be quite good, and Kevin Smith noted that "You were the bomb in Phantoms!" Perhaps I'll check those out some day. But for now, I think it is in your best interest to stop making films.

Kobe Bryant

I've never been a big Kobe Bryant fan.

He's the talk of the town on Sportscenter these days, and I just saw an interview between Jim Gray and Kobe.

A few questions I've had:

1) In the interview, Kobe said about Shaq's departure, "This is a business." No offense to Kobe, I wonder when that phrase entered sports interview cliches. "One game at a time. We'll give it our best. This team knows how to win. This is a business."

2) When did Jim Gray become to Kobe Bryant & the Lakers what Ahmad Rashad was to Jordan's Bulls? Pretty impressive for a guy who was seemingly blackballed after interrogating Pete Rose in 1999 at the World Series.

3) Watching the interview, it just seemed so forced. For whatever reason, I just didn't feel like Kobe was telling the truth.

I guess I won't be called for jury duty in Colorado.

More Random Jellyfish

Monterey Bay Aquarium

Friday in Boston

Saw a homeless guy
He was bragging that the SOX
Would get Big Unit

Thoughts

Is it weird that when I'm eating alone I think, "What's the longest one-syllable word in English?"

My answer was - squeeze. Unless "schmucks" is a real word.
Answer from the internet: Screeched. 9 letters. Is that one syllable or two? Screech-ed?

It's about time...

I'm now a menace with a digital camera...



Random Jellyfish Photo. From the Monterey Bay Aquarium.

Beef

Why I still pretty much don't eat beef.

"U.S. Department of Agriculture investigators said the USDA was not testing adult cattle that died on the farm and had failed to test hundreds of cattle condemned due to possible central nervous system disorder -- a symptom of mad cow disease and many other diseases."

Full story from cnn.com

Can we get some testing please? I JUST WANT TO EAT A BURGER WITHOUT GOING NUTS.

Mood?

Am I in a bad mood? It suddenly strikes me that my most recent four or five posts are all somewhat negative in tone.

Must... contain... rage... and... think... of... puppies...

Political Blogs

Since it's an election year, I've been tempted to say quite a bit about politics on this blog. But instead, I will focus on the two major Presidential candidates and their respective blogs. It will be a sort of "blog review."

First, I'll start with the Kerry blog. Hey look! They invite comments. It would be great if the Bush people hired writers to put obnoxious comments on the Kerry blog.

The Bush people were smarter with their blog. No comments allowed. So no wiseguys like me can post snide remarks. Probably a good strategy if they don't want to crash their web site.

Neither of these "blogs" reads like the blogs I've seen elsewhere. I thought blogs were supposed to contain personal anecdotes about dopey and inconsequential things that happen in our lives. For example, "Last night my roommate was just sitting with the lights out at 3am in the living room. It reminded me of a serial killer."

These blogs read like a list of press releases, not really a "log." Couldn't they give it another name, like LOPeRs? List of PrEss ReleaseS? I'd rather see a bunch of goofy stories like, "Today Dick Cheney bumped his head and it was a riot" or "Last night, we crank called Howard Dean." Where are those "blogs?"

I was surprised to find out those blogs are not on Ralph Nader's website.

On a side note, a typo revealed to me that www.whitehouse.org is actually a humor site.

All-Star Game

Baseball's All-Star game is tomorrow night, and they have to make one rule change -- both teams should implement the DH no matter what home field!

Nobody wants to see Mark Mulder or Roger Clemens bat tomorrow, and as the night progresses the pitchers will never come to bat because of all the changes. On top of all this, then an additional player can be inserted as DH and get a little bit of chance to hit. After all, those interested in the game to begin with (which is a small portion) just want to see the hitters hit and the pitchers pitch.

EZ Pass

When valet parking our car, my friend wanted to take out the EZ Pass device for fear that it would be stolen. But let's think about this -- EZ Pass is a horrible item to steal. What does it do? Save you a few bucks on tolls? First you have to be driving! Then secondly, since you've used EZ Pass, everyone knows where you are!!

Restuarant Ideas

Two restaurants I'd open for the hell of it:

Holy Crepe! A crepe place where menu items would include a bunch of puns - like the "Holy Crepe" which would actually have a hole in it. Or "Fudge" and "Sugar" as add-ons. There are more puns that can come from this...

A Peking Duck Fast Food chain. This would be the Asian equivalent of Taco Bell. Now all I need is a way to make Peking Duck cheaply and quickly. Perhaps I could just use some substitute mystery meat. Other menu items could include stuff like the popular pork bun or some sort of deep fried egg roll.

Cable TV Ranking Shows

There is nothing I dislike more than those cable tv ranking shows. What a cheap way to string along old footage, supposed experts and celebrities who normally would never agree to appear on the channel. Networks that do this include (but are not limited to) E!, VH1, MTV, Comedy Central and ESPN! ESPN has a ranking show!!

In particular, the "experts" that they have giving commentary on the various topics (which range from Top 10 Moments of the 1980's to Top 300 Big Toes of 35 year-old Golfers) are hardly experts! Usually they're washed up or B-list celebrities who just happened to be filming nearby!

Strange. This rant is much better in my mind and seems more like a bunch of complaining when I re-read it.

I declare I don't care no more...

Haven't posted for a few days... Could it be... burnout?

Ode to Friday

Friday in New York
Weather here is terrific
No more posts today

50

This is the 50th post to this blog.

And for the first time in the span of this blog, I cannot find a wisecrack or social observation that deserves this honor.

Instead, consider: At the grocery store in the "6 items or less" express lane, is a dozen bagels one item or twelve?

New TV Show Idea

We need to have a television show that is a scripted program, but is a reality show. How would this work? Think pro wrestling + reality TV. The actors would all be versions of reality TV archetypes and they would be put on a show with some absurd premise. Then the writers could script (a la wrestling) predetermined outcomes, fights and conflicts. Alligiances could change at any moment. This so-called reality show would be great. People watch wrestling and know it's fake. They'll watch this too. We could call it... "Faux reality tv." or maybe "Unreality TV."

This wouldn't be like that show "Joe Schmo" either. That show is much more like an elaborate "Candid Camera." This "reality show" would have 100% actors.

Salad

What makes a salad a salad?

Is it lettuce? Then explain chicken salad, egg salad and tuna salad.

Is it mayonaise or lettuce? Then explain fruit salad.

Is it a mixture of chopped items? What about pasta salad?

So as it seems to me, a "salad" can be any mixture of random bite sized food items.

Wedding Blog

My friend is getting married and he asked, "Are you going to put this on your blog?"

I said, "Probably not."

So instead, I leave you with this thought: Do you think a seafood restaurant located near an aquarium would be a successful business?

West Coast Blog

Heading to SF until July 7th. Will try to post a few times from out there. Fortunately half my readership will be in SF with me!